Eldest Daughter Save the World from Boundaries Not Serving

Episode Summary

What if boundaries aren't walls — they're windows into who you truly are? In this episode, we explore boundaries not as a defensive strategy, but as a genuine spiritual practice. From the language we use around boundaries, to the ways spiritual traditions have both honored and suppressed them, to what it actually feels like in your body to hold one — this conversation invites you to see boundaries as one of the most loving, integrity-filled choices you can make.

In This Episode

We cover how the word "boundary" has been misunderstood and why reframing it changes everything, where spirituality and self-protection have historically been in tension and how to navigate that, the connection between boundaries and core spiritual concepts like presence, integrity, and discernment, what the body is trying to tell you when you feel that sense of dread before saying yes, and a simple three-part practice you can start using this week.

Reflection Question

Where in your life are you saying yes when your whole body is saying no?

This Week's Practice

Try incorporating these three steps into your daily life:

• The Pause — Before agreeing to anything, give yourself space. Even a simple "let me sit with that" creates room for honesty.
• The Check-In — Ask yourself: Am I doing this from love, or from fear?
• The Naming — Practice saying your limits out loud to yourself first — in a journal or in the mirror — before speaking them to anyone else.

A Note from Coach Laura

The most loving thing you can offer anyone is a self that is actually present — and presence takes protection. I hope this episode gives you permission to treat your boundaries not as something to apologize for, but as something sacred.

Connect with Coach Laura

🌐 www.lauramickler.com

📧 laura@lauramickler.com 

📱 @LauraTakesABreath

Enjoyed this episode?

If this resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it, leave a review wherever you listen, and subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Welcome to a new episode of Eldest Daughter Saves the World. We're so excited you're here to tackle a little bit of life's problems with some humor, some good advice, and just some friendliness. Enjoy! And I have to be honest with you all. If you're listening to this, we did not have a podcast last week. And that is because I tried no less than four times to record this podcast and kept getting interrupted, kicked off, all kinds of things. So I finally took that as a sign that I was not supposed to share this last week. But if you're hearing this now, just know that I have not gotten interrupted and it's time for this message, I guess, this week. So what we are talking about, and it's even funnier because we're gonna talk a little bit about spirituality here. And so we're gonna talk about boundaries. And I know that's one of those topics that has been absolutely talked to death. But what we're gonna do with this is we're gonna talk about how boundaries are a way actually to, in a spiritual way, honor yourself and honor the other person. So, you know, I think a lot of times we think of our boundaries as some sort of protection for ourselves, and they definitely are, but we also have these kind of harsh connotations with them. And so what I want us to think is, or think about, excuse me, um, is that they're actually a form of self-discovery, of self-revelation, of discovering what you will tolerate and what you will not. So let's start with the word boundaries. Um, there's a, you know, a lot of cultural things around this world word. So I want you to think when you think of the word boundary, we a lot of times think again of that something harsh. So it's some sort of defense, it's some sort of protection, it's a wall, it's a barbed wire fence. It's a very clear boundary, right? And boundary itself is not necessarily a positive or negative word, it just is, right? There are, you know, county boundaries and state boundaries and country boundaries, and you know, those things are a little bit necessary in some sort of way. And the boundaries that we put on ourselves or with our that we decide for ourselves are also, you know, a boundary, or excuse me, a boundary, a way to protect yourself, right? And so that is a sort of way. But I want to reframe this a little bit that really a boundary is just you figuring out who you are. It's not a rejection of the other person, it's just you know what you will allow into your life and what you will not. So I want you to think about other kinds of boundaries that maybe aren't as harsh or as, you know, scary sounding. And one of those things that comes to mind for me is the ocean shoreline, right? The water is coming up onto the sand and the sand is going down into the water, but that you know fluctuates a little bit. There are times when the high tide is up and there's more sand covered by water. And there's times at low tide when the water recedes and there's more shoreline. So it's just something that's kind of fluid and moving. And so it's kind of that thing where one thing becomes another. And another kind of way to think about this is something on our physical body, and that is our skin, right? Our skin actually forms the boundary of what is our body, because otherwise we would just be a pile of bones and goo and wouldn't be able to walk around, wouldn't be able to do all the things we do. Our skin is that, you know, is that boundary. And it's also a protective boundary because we're not letting just everything get into our, you know, our internal organs and things. So I want you to think about it this way. If there's a vessel, let's say a cup, that's an easy thing to visualize, and there is a crack from that cup and water is leaking out of it, you have less of the thing in the cup to give. And so this is kind of a reflection of yourself as well. So if you have a cut in your skin and you're bleeding, there is less blood in your body to do the job, right? So you can't give more of yourself if you haven't protected yourself to start with. And so kind of that reframe of the word boundaries, you know, just kind of gets us in a little more uh gentle, kind of soft conversation about the word boundaries because sometimes we do have to set hard boundaries and they do feel defensive and they do feel, you know, very military, you know, that kind of harsh visualization, but they can also be a way that you are coming into yourself. So a lot of times with this, again, kind of culturally, religiously, spiritually, we're kind of taught to ignore our boundaries, right? It's you know, turn the other cheek. Um, in a lot of religions, there's the idea of martyrdom, right? That you should die for this cause. Um, so you should have no boundary between wanting to live and being in your faith, right? And that, you know, that's definitely encouraged. We've heard parables, we've heard stories, all of those kinds of things. And the other idea of this is that, you know, self-sacrifice is the highest love, right? I think about this with our military. A lot of times they say the ultimate thing you can give is your life for your country, right? Or I am an amazing mother because I would give my lightheads, those kinds of self-sacrificial things. And what this has done, and then you all know my thoughts on the system and the patriarchy, is that it's been especially used to kind of hold down, misuse, abuse women, um, people of color, people that are caregivers, anyone else that's marginalized, right? Because if they would just sacrifice a little more of themselves and not be true to who they are, then everything would be fine, right? And it would be fine because it's not butting up against what we're all taught to do, right? So that's something you have to kind of think for yourself. And I want you to think about it this way. So we talked about martyrdom, we talked about that self-sacrifice. There is a difference between something that you've chosen to sacrifice. So I truly would take a bullet for my children. I would sacrifice my life if it meant my children got to live. And that is because it is rooted in my love for them. And it's also my choice to say that. I, you know, it's not a law that I have to die for my children. So that's a chosen sacrifice that I have, right? You know, you hear about um, you know, people that give up things for their children, or, you know, they I have a lot of folks that I come in contact with that move somewhere to be with a loved one, or, you know, have moved someone into their home. And yeah, that's a sacrifice in a way, right? That you're sacrificing your alone time, you're sacrificing your autonomy to take care of someone. That's a different thing than coerced selfishness, which is, you know, that kind of fear or conditioning. You're not going to heaven if you don't sacrifice X, Y, and Z, right? That is more of a coerced, you know, you have to be selfless. There's no other choice, there's no other way. And so when you're making your boundaries, I want you to decide this is something that I'm doing out of love. And that love can be for yourself. That's something that we, you know, we forget that we are the person we need to love first and most. And so that's very, very hard, especially if you, you know, you have a wonderful partner or wonderful children, or you're very close to your parents, or you just have friends that you would do anything for. But we have to find that self-love first. And so I really want us to think about this that if your spiritual traditions are healthy, they require you to have that self-knowledge, right? You have to have that self-knowledge of what you will accept and what you will not. And that's something that, you know, it's with anything else. The more you learn, the more you, you know, think on these things, read on these things, write on these things, the more you'll find you don't know, right? And so it's an ever-evolving kind of situation. And with boundaries, I want us to start to frame this with our spirituality. And it does not matter what your spirituality is. Your spirituality can be we're here on earth and there's nothing else. Okay. That's a perfectly valid set of beliefs, but you still require boundaries with that, right? You still require boundaries that I don't have to, and you know, in I don't have to absorb the fear of people that think I'm going someplace after after life, right? If you are a person that has, you know, a natural faith where you really, you know, are worshiping nature, appreciating nature, there's still boundaries that you have to figure out with that. And so what these boundaries are saying, it's kind of a declaration of this is where I end and you begin. I'm honoring both of us enough to be honest about it, right? And so you say, okay, that is your faith. This is my faith. I can honor both of us without saying, you know, I have to absorb you and you have to absorb me, right? It's kind of that agree to disagree sort of a thing, but you also can make that a little bit fluid, like that shoreline, that, you know, okay, yes, I, you know, and I'm using all of these generally and just as examples. So please don't take anything, you know, anyway from it. But maybe you are a person who grew up culturally Christian. And so maybe your kind of waiver is that you still celebrate Christmas as a time to get together with your family. And I'm using myself as an example here. You, you know, you still celebrate Christmas and Easter and some of those holidays as time to get together with your family, not necessarily with all of the religious implications. Well, maybe you have family that still like to go to a Christmas Eve service, or you still um, you know, love to have, you know, people go to church on Easter Sunday, whatever it is, maybe you're willing to kind of make that boundary flexible just to be with your family, to participate with that. So that is something that, you know, every person has to decide for themselves. And this is not something that um is a one size fits all. It's not something that is easy to come by, right? But you've got to kind of do the self-work to figure that out. And so let's talk to about some spiritual concepts here that really relate to these boundaries. So the first one is presence. And, you know, I'm a yoga teacher, so I'm all about being present in the present moment. All we have is the present moment, you know, not to say I don't worry, not to say I don't catastrophize, but you can only truly show up for others when you're not hollowed out, right? If I'm sitting, you know, I get home after work or I get home after a long day of doing what I do, and I am just absolutely peopled out, which happens to me as a person with ADHD and probably on the spectrum somewhere. I just need that time of people not talking to me, that the noise is just the background noise of the TV. It's not people that I'm having to engage with, you know, that kind of thing. But that affects my presence with my kids a lot of times because I haven't seen them all day until I get home. And so, you know, you have to figure out what that is for you. And for me in that situation, honoring myself means that I just say, Hey, can you guys give me 30 minutes? And then I'm gonna start dinner, and then we will talk all we want to after that. And so just kind of knowing thyself, right? I say that a lot in my um talks that I give. And if you've seen me present workshops and things, but you have to know yourself and you have to know what hollows you out and what gives you energy. And I love the next one, which is integrity. So we think a lot of times integrity is like, you know, our ethics and that kind of a thing, but it integrity literally means whole, right? So it's the whole thing. If we want to keep the integrity of that cup we talked about earlier, we can't have a big chip missing off the rim or you know, things like that. It has to be whole. And so your boundaries are what keeps you whole. Same thing with our skin. If we have a hole in our skin, we're probably going to be missing something there. And so it's not, you know, you're not keeping the integrity of your body when those kinds of things happen. And then I love this one. This is one that I use probably almost daily, and this is discernment, right? And this is, you know, kind of the coup de gras of spiritual practices, which is deciding what is for you and deciding what is not for you, right? And that can be, you know, questioning things that you grew up with, that can be completely rebelling against things that you grew up with, you know, again, that discernment. Maybe I don't mind going with my family on Easter Sunday to church because even though that faith maybe is not for me, there's still going to be a positive message that I can pick up. I can discern that that's what I want to do. Maybe you're somebody that has a lot of religious trauma and you don't want to go back to any of that ever. And that's that's the bit of discernment too. So what we have to think about with this, and you'll um, if you know me, you know I'm an old uh grumpy fundraiser from the nonprofit world way back. And we talk a lot about stewardship in that. So that's after you give a donation, how are we gonna thank you? How are we gonna keep you engaged with the organization? Well, you have to work on your own energetic stewardship, right? We all only have 24 hours in the day. We all only have so much attention, so much emotional labor that we can give. So we have to figure out where we put them. And that is a spiritual choice, right? That I'm not gonna give my energy to these soul-sucking things. I have to figure that out, right? And I've had that with jobs, I've had that with people, I've had that with, you know, kind of those extracurriculars. You know, I've been on several nonprofit boards that I didn't care to go back, you know, and be on the board another term because it just was not worth my emotional labor and time. Right. So I want you to think about it this way. If you have a garden, a beautiful garden, and the bunnies start to get in your garden, right? They're messing with your plants, you might put up a fence, right? And that is yes, to keep the bunnies out, but it's not to keep, you know, everything out. You still are gonna keep that beauty inside that fence, you know. So we're gonna keep, you know, it's like if you have something beautiful that you put in a case, right? It's because you don't want the dust to get on that case. So that's what that boundary is. It's not to say, you know, this thing has to be in jail. It's I'm protecting this thing from all of these outside things. So, yes, Laura, this is all well and good, but what does this look like in practical terms? And so, you know, I'm a huge proponent of listening to your body. And I will probably at some point do a whole podcast about how we are trained to not listen to our bodies, especially women, especially people of color. And if you start digging into this, it'll just make you very mad. But, you know, what I always say, and that is there is this idea of a full body yes, meaning when you know something is for you, your body will tell you yes. It's kind of that, you know, light you up inside kind of feeling. And so there are probably things that your nervous system is telling you with some of these boundaries. So if you are dreading saying yes to something, or you know, if you say yes and you now have to do that thing and you dread it, that was not a full body yes, right? That was probably an obligation. There's also on the flip side of that, how does it feel to say no to something? If you say no to something, you're like, oh my gosh, I'm you know, I think about this when I haven't gotten jobs, and then I hear something really crazy about that job, I'm like, oh, not my mess, right? Or I've left a left an organization and something's happened, it's like, oh, dodged a bullet there, right? That relief of saying no. And I think a lot of times there is some guilt and there is some grief with setting our boundaries. So, you know, the the grief sometimes, and I know I did a uh podcast about um, you know, grieving what life would have looked like, which is a very valid thing. But, you know, there could be a relationship that you've lost a version of. Maybe someone was your best friend and you talk to them every single day, and then something happened and you have that loss of you know what that relationship looks like with that person. And this does not necessarily mean that you're wrong in setting that boundary, right? It's just a sign that you're human. And same thing with guilt. You may feel a little bit guilty because you had to protect yourself. But I want you to know that this discomfort is just you growing, it's not a red flag, it does not mean you're a horrible person, it just means that you're growing. And so stick to that when you're kind of in those icky feelings. So, you know, I want you to think about this. Where in your life are you saying yes when your whole body is telling you no? Right. And I have a very um, you know, I won't say popular, but I have shared my story about leaving a job that was literally killing me. And so, is there something, you know, with you that is that way? And so I want you to kind of think about that. So a couple of things to kind of get your boundaries in the right place for you, just some things to think about here. And I'll put these in the show notes too, so you can go back and um take a look at them. But the first thing I want you to do is before you agree to anything, pause. You know, if you can put it off for a couple of days, see how you feel about it in a couple of days. Because a lot of times those snap decisions are what get us into trouble, right? We agree to something and then once we really think about it, it's not, it's not a yes, right? So give yourself that time, you know, say to yourself, let me sit with that, and then really sit with it and see what it, see what it how it feels. And, you know, check in with yourself, am I doing this from love or am I doing this from fear, right? Am I being coerced into doing this, or is this something that I'm choosing? And so, you know, that's a really great place. And, you know, name something. If you have a limit on yourself, say it to yourself in the mirror, say that out loud, write it in your journal. You know, say, I cannot continue to whatever the thing is. I have a friend that um her husband kept having to pay a family member's bills because they would call in a panic. Oh, my electricity is gonna get shut off. Oh, they shut my water off. And so finally they had to say, This is the last time that I can help you out with something, right? I think this is a really old story, but my grandma had one of those uh electric wheelchairs and she kept leaving it on and the battery ran down and was dead. And so my dad had to spend like four or five hundred dollars to buy a new battery for this thing. And he said, I will do this one time for you. And after that, you're on your own, right? And so trying to figure out where that is, and if that's hard for you to say, practice, right? Or practice with somebody that's not in the situation, right? Let me practice what I'm gonna say to Mary with Susie or you know, with your partner or whoever it is, right? And this is not uh, you know, a whole personality trait that you have to develop or not develop. This is just you training yourself to be spiritually aligned with what you want to be doing. So I want you to think about these boundaries, they are not to just shut yourself away forever, they're about showing up for yourself. And so I want you to think through that. And honestly, this is one of the most loving things that you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself in this way, right? So I gave you a lot to think about. I want you to continue to think about all of that. And, you know, if you have any questions on it, as always, please get with me and let me know if you have um questions, if you have stories. I love to hear them. And with that, I will let us go for today. And I hope everyone has a good rest of your day, and I will see you soon.